Entry 4

I think I was supposed to call the last entry: Entry 3 as to keep with the trend, but honestly I didn't look at the one before it until I had already posted. If you look I left a comment as to the bzaar nature of how closely related the two blogs ended up being... I think frustration can be best perpetuated by a lack of progress in a certain area. However, as I spoke of desiring to desire Go: that is what I now know I mean by saying a lack of passion and praise him for fulfilling that need. The last two days has proved to be a slap in the face from satan saying this is still a war, but then a still and steady reassurance from God that he has my back. In fact he has my front and sides too, he already won the war, but I continue to pick this battle for myself trying to relay to much on my internal strengths rather than the promises that are offered to me by God.

I am currently reading a book called Taming Your Private Thoughts. I thought it would give me steps that I could take to pull myself up by the collar and win the war against my flesh. Instead it spent the whole first eight chapters telling me how deprived I am and how I just, plainly put, can't do anything to rectify the thoughts that want to course through my brain at a pace of 1000 sins per minute. However, it did lead me to a path of reliance on God's strength and a method of constant reminding of his Grace and strength. It offers a four part S.T.O.P. accrostic that goes as follows: Sins confessed, Think on such things, Order your thoughts, and honestly I haven't gotten to P yet but I'll fill you in later. These past couple days as I have still been bombarded by an assault worthy of a military fortress, I have been reminded to confess, think about God, and - well - order my thoughts. As the title of this blog is "filled, following, and flurishing" I need to add a disclaimer that it is more like "continuously being filled, dying to self, and stumbling down a rough path" I can't pretend that this is any sort of a simple journey, or that I at all times feel filled with God's spirit or am constantly mindful of Jesus' sacrifice and victory. I am however making strides to reconsider my faith, and my ability to do it on my own (Much like Elimelech in Ruth). I am realizing the desperation of my situation (thanks book) and also my inability to recognize a problem and deal with it (thanks friends).

While at a conference recently I was forced to look into my family background and history to see what factors they play in to what kind of communicator I am under stress. The conclusion was: I am a bad communicator. I display characteristics of all four styles of mis communicators, but don't have a performance based or dysfunctional family background o blame it on. I also, while talking to the Dr. lecturing, discovered I have an inability to really feel stress. So I don't technically know what I do when I'm stressed out, due to not knowing when I'm in that position... I think it is mentioned in "Lucky Number Slevin"(movie) Adorexia (sp?): A complete or partial block of ability to be preoccupied with worry or care about a situation or outcome. This is specifically derived from a self-propelled notion that "I can" I'll pass that along to you as holy shielded with Philippians 4:13 and state that it is Christ who gives me strength, but in reality I finish the verse a little early and am satisfied with I can do all things. Why worry? from Matthew 6 rings throughout my actions, and this would be a very Christlike action, if it were not for the self pride that was intertwined in that. Offering myself as a living sacrifice played out? What does that look like? Where do i go with that? How can I do that?

Pride rips into the flesh and devours your soul... My pride is too smart to let myself know that it is there and cloaks itself as faith. A very keen and strong predator since it knows me intimately it usually gets the upper hand. I can talk to you for an hour about my problem of being too prideful, but it is my pride giving the ability to say that impressive bit. There in lies the problem: Where do you cut pride off, how I guess is better? When discovering a lot about yourself you scratch a lot of ugly surfaces that don't want to be revealed. Hold on for the ride, and please continue to pray that I won't be satisfied with scratching, but that I would burrow deep and root out pride and flesh and temptation and ultimately sin. More to come later...

Break the Cycle

So it has been a long time since last putting my thoughts to... "paper" and I feel that now is the time to jot some thoughts down. I am not going to promise that this will be permanent or even more than a one time thing. However, God has been teaching me a lot in the past few months, and I need to let this stick. I didn't look over the last post that I left or even remember the content that was contained there, I just kind of stumbled on this and sure enough I was still able to sign in. So with out further ado ...

I can only best describe my relationship with God over the past months as frustrating. Frustrating but highlighted with a series of the most amazing experiences that I never would have thought He would let me savor. For quite some years I have been praying and begging God to give me a passion that would bring meaning to my life and end the frustration that was cursing the seams of who I have become. With a complete ability to say or be anything to anyone I have lost the ability to tell myself (or others for that matter) what I want or need and how that affects me. Looking back these past couple months I have seen that God has indeed giving me my request and filled me with a passion for changing the world in a very specific way. I can't detail that here, due to the public nature of this post, but it has taken a hold of me and driven me closer to my Savior. That being said, he has also given me the love of a woman he created for me to work along side and glorify Him with. I can't explain the undeservedness I feel and the fear I feel daily that this is oo good to be true. Why? I am still, in spite of his over-whelming grace and blessing, struggling to keep my head and mind in holiness. I can say all day that I feel thankful and close to God, but actions will speak louder than words, and my actions speak to the contrary.
Where is the disconnect? Where do I lose the love i should feel and gain the content that if an onlooker could examine my thoughts would surely say that I feel towards God? It's not a blatantly stated content or even thoughts of opposition to Him, but the darkness that still wreaks havoc on my thoughts from years prior to this new found passion, still finds its way into my head on more than an seldom occasion. As I read through the end of Romans 7 I can't help but well up with tears and feel the depth and strength of sins pull on my heart. There is such a welling passion for the right, that is so easily consumed by desires of the flesh that I can't seem to oppress the up flaring urges. At times, I trick myself into thinking that I have self-control and that I can indeed say no to whatever comes across my plane of view, neigh neigh... soon I am again consumed with thoughts and actions that would repulse my "self-controlling self" I guess I have learned to turn a blind eye to what actions tend to consume and minimize all that taints my relationship with God. Even now as I sit and write this, I feel a slight tug on my heart to delve into pleasure and ditch this new found desire to write. I can't... I won't... the tug increases... this is war, and there will be a loser. I am ashamed to say that before now my righteousness was always compromised and destroyed as I slipped in the cycle of sin that would wither and devour my person, until I had nothing left to bring before my father and would be to ashamed to even attempt.
My prayer the last few nights has been "How O Lord am I gonna change, transform, become closer to you... Let me feel your love so I am so overcome with delight that I can't think to do anything but rejoice in your presence." This sounds like a last minute call of desperation... I guess it is. I am trying my best (not ever good enough) to continually seek his presence in my life. This has included a new found desire to pray (sorry not desire, desperate need) a morning time with God, and this... putting these actions into word so there is some sort of permanence to my actions and resolution. I am intending now to be open and honest about struggles and sin, and to bring this out into the light and continually repent as I know he continually forgives. Wow, this hasn't ended up any where I initially intended, but exactly where God has led. So until next time...