Entry 4

I think I was supposed to call the last entry: Entry 3 as to keep with the trend, but honestly I didn't look at the one before it until I had already posted. If you look I left a comment as to the bzaar nature of how closely related the two blogs ended up being... I think frustration can be best perpetuated by a lack of progress in a certain area. However, as I spoke of desiring to desire Go: that is what I now know I mean by saying a lack of passion and praise him for fulfilling that need. The last two days has proved to be a slap in the face from satan saying this is still a war, but then a still and steady reassurance from God that he has my back. In fact he has my front and sides too, he already won the war, but I continue to pick this battle for myself trying to relay to much on my internal strengths rather than the promises that are offered to me by God.

I am currently reading a book called Taming Your Private Thoughts. I thought it would give me steps that I could take to pull myself up by the collar and win the war against my flesh. Instead it spent the whole first eight chapters telling me how deprived I am and how I just, plainly put, can't do anything to rectify the thoughts that want to course through my brain at a pace of 1000 sins per minute. However, it did lead me to a path of reliance on God's strength and a method of constant reminding of his Grace and strength. It offers a four part S.T.O.P. accrostic that goes as follows: Sins confessed, Think on such things, Order your thoughts, and honestly I haven't gotten to P yet but I'll fill you in later. These past couple days as I have still been bombarded by an assault worthy of a military fortress, I have been reminded to confess, think about God, and - well - order my thoughts. As the title of this blog is "filled, following, and flurishing" I need to add a disclaimer that it is more like "continuously being filled, dying to self, and stumbling down a rough path" I can't pretend that this is any sort of a simple journey, or that I at all times feel filled with God's spirit or am constantly mindful of Jesus' sacrifice and victory. I am however making strides to reconsider my faith, and my ability to do it on my own (Much like Elimelech in Ruth). I am realizing the desperation of my situation (thanks book) and also my inability to recognize a problem and deal with it (thanks friends).

While at a conference recently I was forced to look into my family background and history to see what factors they play in to what kind of communicator I am under stress. The conclusion was: I am a bad communicator. I display characteristics of all four styles of mis communicators, but don't have a performance based or dysfunctional family background o blame it on. I also, while talking to the Dr. lecturing, discovered I have an inability to really feel stress. So I don't technically know what I do when I'm stressed out, due to not knowing when I'm in that position... I think it is mentioned in "Lucky Number Slevin"(movie) Adorexia (sp?): A complete or partial block of ability to be preoccupied with worry or care about a situation or outcome. This is specifically derived from a self-propelled notion that "I can" I'll pass that along to you as holy shielded with Philippians 4:13 and state that it is Christ who gives me strength, but in reality I finish the verse a little early and am satisfied with I can do all things. Why worry? from Matthew 6 rings throughout my actions, and this would be a very Christlike action, if it were not for the self pride that was intertwined in that. Offering myself as a living sacrifice played out? What does that look like? Where do i go with that? How can I do that?

Pride rips into the flesh and devours your soul... My pride is too smart to let myself know that it is there and cloaks itself as faith. A very keen and strong predator since it knows me intimately it usually gets the upper hand. I can talk to you for an hour about my problem of being too prideful, but it is my pride giving the ability to say that impressive bit. There in lies the problem: Where do you cut pride off, how I guess is better? When discovering a lot about yourself you scratch a lot of ugly surfaces that don't want to be revealed. Hold on for the ride, and please continue to pray that I won't be satisfied with scratching, but that I would burrow deep and root out pride and flesh and temptation and ultimately sin. More to come later...