Filled, Following, and Flurishing

Thoughts and journaling from a Christian, College student


Entry 1

For the longest time I have wanted to start a journal in which I could just let out what I am going through. Thiis is an easy and fun way to do so, so here goes. I am now in my sophmore year of college at Arizona State University in Tempe, AZ. Life is coming fast and slow at the same time, and I have yet to realize what it is that I wnat to do with my life. Blah Balh Blah, a bunch of other cliche stuff about future plans, blah blah...... What really is going on is a struggle to get myself into a position of submission to God. I understand the beauty that is Grace, and perhaps this is why the thought of a relationship with God is natural. I have grown up Christian, and as far as I can remeber I have been walking with God. There are definately times when I now, retrospectively, realize I am drifting away, and taking control of my own life, but that is what brings me back to the point where I am now. I am an external processor (not used as a crotch or excuse, but as a reason to divulge oersonal information) So I feel best when I talk out what I'm thinking, and realize how I percieve what is going on in my daily walk with God ( which is very rarely actually daily from my part) I know he desires to know me fully, and I know that I should submit all that I have been blessed with to honor and glorify him. I just rarely feel compeled to. This has become a recent developement, that for my detesting of personal excuses to myself, I credit to laziness and an inability to take an itnitiative to let him fully envelope me and fully take me iinto his arms. He will carry me if I let him, I know that. I just am un-willing to let it be so. I have, for as long as I can remeber, been able to do anything that I set out to do ( by God's strength in my life) I just am now realizing that I am uncapable of anything without him. That sounds again cliche, but hearing something, knowing something, and truly feeling deep down are totally different things in and of themselves.
Faith, the ability for me to give up myself as the controller, and handing over what is mine to God and letting him fully use the tools he created in the frist place. I can't seem to realize what it is that lets me be so ignorant to this fact. Sin I guess. He is patient with me and he always knows what is best, I know that too, but I don;t feel that. There is too much peace in my life, there is too much security. I desire to feel a rush, adrenaline, fun, fear. I hate scarry movies, because I don't like the suspense, but I love to jump off cliffs because of the analogy of taking one step and letting the spirit(gravity) do the work of completely encompassing me in God (Water). All too much I try to climb away from God, while I am visibly still dripping with God, he desire to cover me, but I just go again climbing away from him, just to get to the point of the jump, faith, the step, that will give me the rush of falling back into hiw, where I want to be. I am aware that he is there, I know that he is still on me, under me, and by necesity he is in me (body being composed of water) in fact without him I would not exist. But still I climb away, Why?............. Hmmm... I guess it is the knowlege that he is still there, I know that he is still covering me, in my sin, I don't care if I begin to dry off. In fact to make the mental picture better think of the world as hot dry blowing air, ad God as that cool refreshing stream, ( or cold air and warm water, depending on your quirks). Think of the desire you have to stay in the water and be continually saticefied and continually covered. But stillIstruggle in the opposite direction to seek, I guess, false saticefaction in what I can find up the eternally tall cliff. You could also veiw the cliff as works as people try to clmb there way to God, up an impossibly high, and unscalable wall, when in reality all they have to do is decide to let go, to take the scarry, but freeing step off the edge and fall off into complete surrender to God, why climb away? why struggle to work my way to the top, Maybe to get high enough up the cliff to be noticed by every one around, maybe so other "swimmers" can see me helping "climbers" make the decision to jump, I'm not the one that pulls them down into the water, God does that, but I can tell them how awesome it is to take the plunge, Oh yes I can tell them all daythe rejuvinating and refreshing beauty of the plunge, but I still don't fully get why I'm not always taking the plunge. Why do I try to clomb away? Why do I strugle and toil inside, maybe effortlessly externally, but inwardly just knowing I love that fall into God's love. All i need to do is take the step.
I can know and enjoy this knowlege all I want, and I do, I know exactly what has to be done, and what steps I can take to get there, and what I can do to get to the point of taking the step, I know I can take the step to fall into God, I know I will enjoy the fall I know I will enjoy being covered and out of the unquenchible dry heat, that sucks the love of God right off me. i know this, I do, It is deep instilled in my mind. My problem, as far as I percieve it, is that I have no overwhelming desire to get it done. I have no deep pressing urge to get there, I know the urge and need is there, I just don't feel it. This makes me angry, sad, overwhelmed, but mostly complacent. Which is discouraging. I know I'm not the person I am fully intended to be, and I know that that will be fulfilled by God alone, what i don't know, which is the most helpless I have ever felt, is waht to do now that I have the knowlege. I have only inability to act. The inability to move, the inability to feel the need to have feeling. And paradoxically I feel the need to have feelings which are not present in my life. I am beyond making sense now, so I will sign off with this encouragement. I Can Do ALL Things Trough Christ Who Strengthens Me. -Phil 4:13



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