Filled, Following, and Flurishing

Thoughts and journaling from a Christian, College student


Entry 2

I'm not sure where I left off last time, but not alot has happened since then, which seems to be the theme of this semester. Whelp, I wrote last time with the full knowlege of what I need to do to become the man God intends me to be. But as i may or may not have said, What is the point of having the klnowlege of what I need to do unless I have the inate desire or craving to seek after God. i have the desire to desire God, believe me I feel empty at times, and I feel filled at others, that isn't my struggle. My struggle (along with multiple sins) is an inibility to act out what it is that I know i "want to do. "I know I want to do", sounds funny, but it's true. I know exactly what I should want, but for reasons beyond what i can describe, I don't feel what I should do. For the longest time, I felt a conection with the verses in late Romans 7 ..." I do what I don't wnat to do, and what I want to do I cannot" It gave me comfort that even Paul, solid guy that he was, struggled with an inibility, at times, to do what he knew was right. Romans 8:1 however was a bit disconcerning, "No condemnation for me!" With this new found liberation I found myself with the ability to justify actions with the fact that nothing could snatch me out of God's hands. (using lack of context to my advantage comes too naturally) Of curse I still belive that this is correct, from an eternal perspective. But I can now feel a deprivation of God's love, which isn't possible, therefore, it is God that feels the deprivation of my love towards him. However, I know Idon't depend on God like I should, i know I don't act out the things he wishes most for me. He wishes to give me the desires of my heart, but I have'nt allowed for desires to come into my heart . I haven't allowed for him to show me what it is to live life to its fullest, My desire list, right now, is empty.
There is no more desperate a feeling than the lack of desire, but having a desire to desire at the same time. But the feeling of the first so outways the knowlege of the second that inaction is the only result of my endless struggle to desire God. Only further complexifying the situation, and thus more frustration comes when I ponder my situation. Now, the beauty of reading the wod is in mistakable, I get into the word, whenever I have the need (horrendously not enough) I think there in lies the problem. That and my unwillingness to just be alone with God and just talk out, and seek out the end to my seemingly endless rut. I don't know if I feel ashamed to come back into his presence or if I don't feel at all. Or, is it the Devil or my flesh waging a war against what my spirit thuroughly desires? If so, they are decietful masters of stifling the sreams of desire to sprint endlessly back to my Saviors arms, because I can't even hear the faintest whisper. However, I know that is the case, I know the desire is there, fighting to get the light it deserves, fighting to shine from every ounce of my being, fighting to fill, no overflow me at the seems until I am bursting with the need for God's never ending Love. I know it is there, yet I choose to ignore since I cannot hear. Out of mind, out of heart should be how the saying goes, it is very much so in my sight, I can see the visible impurities that spill over from a vicious battle that wages daily in the members of my body (mostly my cursed eyes and tounge) I can feel the remorse and the pain that is coupled with a person who lacks God's love, but unfortunately for me, I cannot show it.
I show the world that everything is fine, I show my friends/brothers that I indeed have a problem, but I am taking steps to master it. That is why I write, to expose what is indeed going on, i write to not only lift my spirit and make reel my problem to myself, but also to verbalize what it is that I can so easily mask with a false battle an false victories, and false faith. Inwardly i am slinking into the dark recesses of my life thus far. While outwardly, I struggle indeed, but to what end? To the end that is acceptable to outsiders. i have become so acustomed to deciet that i can now expose horrible parts of my life, and then cover them with what appears to be a revalation, or a new effort to seek God, when in fact, all I am doing is creating more of a distance from the truth, and climbing slowly (sometimes furiously) away from God. I often time time stop and survey the progress I've made while others watch what I can make look like an effortless dive back into what God has for me, only to effortlessly slink back to my climbing perch while they aren't watching, thnk and sceeming my next apparent shortcoming that can be easily overcome by my amazing outward self. So now I sit, naked to deciet, longingly looking down back at the water with the knowlege that if I jump now the impact will only hurt momentarily, but will quickly be overcome by the refreshing cool of God' s encompassing self. The Sun and wind blister my skin, but my body keeps climbing away, up ,up ,up, I look again and realise that the hurt could be worse now, but my body still climbs, and my mind still lays the web of lies, and my heart still feel nothing. But the spirits muffled voice cries out in a hallow and dark hall, i hearit, but how do I answer?