Break the Cycle

So it has been a long time since last putting my thoughts to... "paper" and I feel that now is the time to jot some thoughts down. I am not going to promise that this will be permanent or even more than a one time thing. However, God has been teaching me a lot in the past few months, and I need to let this stick. I didn't look over the last post that I left or even remember the content that was contained there, I just kind of stumbled on this and sure enough I was still able to sign in. So with out further ado ...

I can only best describe my relationship with God over the past months as frustrating. Frustrating but highlighted with a series of the most amazing experiences that I never would have thought He would let me savor. For quite some years I have been praying and begging God to give me a passion that would bring meaning to my life and end the frustration that was cursing the seams of who I have become. With a complete ability to say or be anything to anyone I have lost the ability to tell myself (or others for that matter) what I want or need and how that affects me. Looking back these past couple months I have seen that God has indeed giving me my request and filled me with a passion for changing the world in a very specific way. I can't detail that here, due to the public nature of this post, but it has taken a hold of me and driven me closer to my Savior. That being said, he has also given me the love of a woman he created for me to work along side and glorify Him with. I can't explain the undeservedness I feel and the fear I feel daily that this is oo good to be true. Why? I am still, in spite of his over-whelming grace and blessing, struggling to keep my head and mind in holiness. I can say all day that I feel thankful and close to God, but actions will speak louder than words, and my actions speak to the contrary.
Where is the disconnect? Where do I lose the love i should feel and gain the content that if an onlooker could examine my thoughts would surely say that I feel towards God? It's not a blatantly stated content or even thoughts of opposition to Him, but the darkness that still wreaks havoc on my thoughts from years prior to this new found passion, still finds its way into my head on more than an seldom occasion. As I read through the end of Romans 7 I can't help but well up with tears and feel the depth and strength of sins pull on my heart. There is such a welling passion for the right, that is so easily consumed by desires of the flesh that I can't seem to oppress the up flaring urges. At times, I trick myself into thinking that I have self-control and that I can indeed say no to whatever comes across my plane of view, neigh neigh... soon I am again consumed with thoughts and actions that would repulse my "self-controlling self" I guess I have learned to turn a blind eye to what actions tend to consume and minimize all that taints my relationship with God. Even now as I sit and write this, I feel a slight tug on my heart to delve into pleasure and ditch this new found desire to write. I can't... I won't... the tug increases... this is war, and there will be a loser. I am ashamed to say that before now my righteousness was always compromised and destroyed as I slipped in the cycle of sin that would wither and devour my person, until I had nothing left to bring before my father and would be to ashamed to even attempt.
My prayer the last few nights has been "How O Lord am I gonna change, transform, become closer to you... Let me feel your love so I am so overcome with delight that I can't think to do anything but rejoice in your presence." This sounds like a last minute call of desperation... I guess it is. I am trying my best (not ever good enough) to continually seek his presence in my life. This has included a new found desire to pray (sorry not desire, desperate need) a morning time with God, and this... putting these actions into word so there is some sort of permanence to my actions and resolution. I am intending now to be open and honest about struggles and sin, and to bring this out into the light and continually repent as I know he continually forgives. Wow, this hasn't ended up any where I initially intended, but exactly where God has led. So until next time...